What a transformation! I did not realize how much stress I have been carrying these last couple years. It has taken me over a month to untangle these thoughts, feelings, and fears. Boudhanath Stupa has been the medicine I have needed to slow down and reflect.
As most of you know I had a knee replacement 2 years ago that was not correctly executed and created chronic pain until I was able to have the hardware taken out and replaced a year later. The recovery has been much more difficult because of damage and loss of muscle mass, and having to continue working was not the most conducive to healing. Being in self preservation mode with chronic pain trying to keep my mind balanced, my work prosperous, and basic needs met was difficult. I am fortunate to say that I did the best i could and i feel good about it; but, I did not see or feel the subtle hit my nervous system and mind took.
I write this not for sympathy or praise but to make a connection with something I think we all have experienced. Some sort of self preservation, suffering, and the search to feel content with where we are and what we have without burnout, despair, guilt, or shame. The expectations and pressure we put on ourselves when difficulties arise may be unrealistic. We rise to the occasion but at what cost. Do we accept how difficult our situation is with grace and gentle compassion for ourselves? Do we think of others in similar or more difficult situations? Speaking for myself; I work hard at changing the uncomfortable story, throw myself into physical therapy, physical work, demanding worldly things to solve my anxiety. Even plan a vacation that is going to solve all my problems and remove me from these unsatisfactory feelings.
I didn’t realize this self defeating story had gained so much momentum, that my spiritual practice had taken such a hit, until I arrived here and had to be with my thoughts and feelings in a place that demands introspection. My anticipation that landing in Nepal was going to make this spiritual reboot easier was more than unrealistic. Be careful what you wish for….. Healing. Magnified and delivered in full technicolor in a place that listens to your heart. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.
I am on vacation… how hard could it be? Nepal is a beautiful country; but, it has its dark corners and they are not hidden, they are in your face. The pollution is very thick in winter, the dust and dirt make their way into every nook and cranny of your world, the cars and bikes are honking and spitting fumes, people are suffering from ailments that have crippled them, dogs are limping, children are begging, garbage is a problem, people are hacking and spitting loogies everywhere, bathrooms are at your own risk, and you have to be cautious of the food you eat and the water you drink. These things get magnified when your perspective is off.
However; once plugged in the raw beauty of the people, culture, food, and environment hits in a way that is not superficial. There is no ignoring the suffering going on, the pollution and trash. You can not cover it up and pretend it is not there, making things pretty. I call this ‘beautiful ugly’, you work with it. This environment is a metaphor for what is going on in our heads. The ugly that we are covering up to look pretty, rather than accepting it is there and working with it.
How do you work with it? You come to Boudha and make this a priority, you connect with the people. Boudha Stupa is one of the worlds largest stupas and a hub of Tibetan Buddhism dating back to 600 AD. Surrounded by monasteries the stupa is a key site for pilgrims and Tibetan refugees removed from their homeland in the 50’s. Thousands gather here for daily prayers, devotion and offerings.
So, how does the day in the life of living at the stupa look for me? I take a 2 minute walk through an alley at 5am in the morning to join all the other locals in our daily practice. But, first I stop to have milk tea at my usual spot on the monastery steps; a pop up coffee shop, the needed items are a roll of foam for seating and carafes of masala tea. Hundreds of people are all ready doing Kora, walking in a clockwise circle around the stupa with malas in hand chanting mantra. Kora is a sort of walking meditation that quiets the mind, purifies negative karma, and cultivates compassion. Mantra is a phrase, syllable, or word that is repeated to focus the mind, and bring spiritual growth. Mala is a string of beads that is held in the left hand, each time the mantra is spoken quietly on the lips you move a bead with your thumb. There are 108 beads on a mala.
My practice , which is guided by my teachers at Sravasti Abbey in Washington state, is White Tara. White Tara represents compassion, patience, equanimity, loving kindness, generosity and other beneficial qualities. The practice is to remove obstacles such as anger, attachment, and self-centeredness with compassion and grace for self. Purifying and forgiving previous unbeneficial actions and thoughts without guilt or shame, only regret.
I start my practice by setting a motivation for this meditation/practice. For example; ‘My motivation for this practice is … To be of benefit to others, myself, and the environment by taking this time to reflect on behaviors that may not be beneficial and to build on the great qualities of White Tara. May i see the impermanence of the habits that create harm and apply the antidotes of love, equanimity and compassion to be of benefit to all sentient beings.” I walk and chant quietly “om Tare tuttare Ture Soha” keeping this motivation in mind and imagining how it would feel to be like enlightened White Tara who has these qualities and wishes only happiness and freedom. To not carry guilt and shame. The mantra helps keep my mind focused on this motivation, and when my mind wonders I bring it back to white Tara and the mantra. It is quite powerful knowing all those around you have this same intention; they are wishing for everyone’s happiness and freedom from suffering.
Once I have taken a couple rounds outside I step inside the wall where people are making water bowl offerings, placing flowers and lighting candles and incense. These offerings are to foster a respectful mind, reduce attachment, and symbolize impermanence and purity. Full prostrations are being made in respect to Buddha, the teachers, and the teachings. It smashes pride and generates humility. I spend a couple hours in here trying to stay present, circumambulating and counting mantra. I sit and meditate on a specific topic; such as interdependence. ( We are all interconnected and could not live without each other ) I am counting mantra for my retreat from afar. It is a practice where it is suggested to say 108,000 white Tara mantras. I am half way through.
When I started this practice of white Tara I really had a hard time connecting to it. White Tara resembles a softer side of healing and transforming. She is gentle and compassionate and soft. Some of the other practices I have done are energizing and somewhat fierce, these are much easier for me, they get the job done. Having come out of a fierce period of my life it has been hard for me to soften, relax, and be gentle with myself. Accept and stay present. Hours, days, weeks, Malas, and Koras later Tara is winning me over. Connecting with that feminine side.
During the week of Tibetan Losar ( New Year, 2082 ) the monasteries hold puja. Puja is the formal ancient practice of a deity like the white Tara practice. Sheschen Monastery held Puja for Yamantaka. He is a wrathful manifestation that symbolizes the destruction of ego, and ignorance; eliminating intense anger and hatred. Transforming fear into enlightenment.
Sitting in puja for hours and days has an effect like osmosis. Surrounded by Buddhist murals, rich colors, lit yak butter candles and the smell of incense the monks chant in Tibetan. The speed and cadence is energized and practiced; fast, then slow and deep. It is like sitting in an opera, a story is being told by the blowing of the horns, smashing of the symbols, and drumming. You dont have to understand Tibetan to be transported to a different time, and auspicious experience.
The closing of this puja is celebrated by the reenactment of the puja outside in the courtyard. Pilgrims come from all over Nepal and India to witness this sacred dance. Sitting on the grass with these families breaking bread, sharing oranges, holding children, and getting pet by my elder ama’s ( grandmas ) I felt very included and less like a foreigner. They are so happy to see me practicing Buddhism. It brings them great joy and they envelope you with out a verbal word exchanged. It feels like many white Taras are surrounding me, the power of our mutual practice. Shechen monastery has become a refuge for me.
I visit different monasteries and one of them is important to my teachers, as this is where they started their journey in the 70’s. Our teacher, Lama Zopa Rinpoche resides at Kopan Monestary, he died 3 years ago. So how can he still reside here? His body is bound in a meditative position being slowly preserved by an ancient traditional Tibetan embalming method, his body sits in a shrine set up in his meditation room of 50 years. This allows the body to be an object of pilgrimage and hope. He will later be placed inside a stupa that is currently be constructed on site.
I met a lovely nun here by the name of Thubten Sangmo, she took me to his room as she is part of this monastery. It was not open at the time so it was just she and I. I was moved to tears, i have been a recipient of his teachings through my teachers and these teachings have changed my life.
Like his Holiness the Dalia Lama he was very playful and gentle; but also very serious about his lineage. He is a very important figure in keeping his lineage alive. I circumambulated his body, said prayers, and sat in silence imagining his presence and his wisdom wash over me. A man who spent his entire life in the service of others; wishing for others to be happy and free of suffering. If i can apply only a little bit of this wisdom to my own life this will leave an imprint on myself and others. I returned to this room many times and continued to feel gratitude and emotion.
This next experience was so profound in a different way. In my early studies we studied the impermanence of our bodies. How we are not our bodies, and what it would feel like to be old and diseased, a corpse. What this does is helps to see the impermanence of the body, to become less attached, the greater importance of prioritizing our actions and mind. This accompanies the belief of reincarnation; this is not our only life. We do not take material things with us, but we do take our minds, the imprints and habits of all our previous actions.
There is a sacred Hindu Temple on the Bagmati river, Pashupatinath, which is a holy site for final rites, open air cremations. The body is carried in held above the heads of pallbearers having been washed and wrapped in holy cloth, sprinkled with incense and flowers. A musical ensemble of drums and finger symbols lead the way while friends and family follow behind. They are placed laying on wood pyres. Loved ones circle the body saying prayers and wishing for the soul to have a safe journey to liberation. The fire man sets the pyres on fire while family and friends sit and watch as their loved one is freed from this body, about 3 to 4 hours.
I sat quietly as two different bodies came in and were set free. If it wasn’t for my previous studies and practice on the body i would never have been able to sit through this, instead; i found it quite moving and felt useful. I was able to quietly support with prayers and a good motivation. (these are not my pictures)
Once again we visit the ‘beautiful ugly’. Death is not pretty, but the celebration of ones life and the courage to set them free in ceremony is very brave. The care of the body stays in the hands of the family until the very end, the ashes are then set free in a source of water, usually a sacred river like the Ganges, or here in Nepal the Bagmati River which flows into the Ganges. Free from this world of imperfections.
May we all be set free into the Ganges, in this life, from thinking that ‘Beautiful ugly’ needs to be something different than it is. The ugly is where the growth lies and the beautiful is the interconnectedness that supports this growth. The people that help us get our needs met and support us.
We have this precious human life, our true nature is quite beautiful, our minds can be ugly. But, our minds are pliable and we are not identified by this ugliness. Be gentle with ourselves, pay attention to this subtle stress we are under, care for ourselves and others in the way that momma Tara would. With great compassion, patience, loving kindness, and equanimity. Confident in our true nature. H.H. Dalai Lama “My religion is kindness”. I chose to be kind to myself and others. I may not always get this right, but this is the ‘beautiful ugly’ and in this moment I accept it and am doing my best.
Comments
I am excited to follow this journey